Coffee Snobs!
“Starbucks run! Any takers?”
It’s just a few minutes after 3 p.m. Tuesday afternoon and I have come to expect this announcement almost daily from one of several people in the department. In fact, I gauge the time by it so much so that I don’t even need to look at my watch on our about three o’clock. Personally, I am not a fan of Starbucks coffee in the least, so I disregard the coffee mating call, or politely decline.
It is the responsibility of Robert and Melissa today to make the all-important trek to the Starbucks on Union Square. Never mind that the company provides free Starbucks brand coffee in the coffee makers all throughout our building for free. Never mind that if they needed the so called Starbucks fix, they could just as easily walk over to the kitchen on their respective floors and pour themselves a cup of it free-for-nothing. Never mind that the fully stocked refrigerators have every choice and percentage of milk known to man, plus the necessary sweetening agents and now and again some flavored coffee mixes there for the taking. It really does not matter because, in the end, it is more about the Starbucks culture and lifestyle than it is about the product itself.
DISCLAIMER: For all who love Starbucks for the actual product, this is not about you!
As I mentioned, I am not a fan of this particular brand of coffee. Thankfully, neither is Joe! We’re Dunkin’ Donuts people ourselves. We prefer the smooth, less bitter tasting DD beverage to the angry, harsh Starbucks one. Plus, we have this thing about having to adopt another tongue just to place an order. And we don’t feel the need to plan our coffee outing ahead by dressing down in our faded jeans, wrinkled shirts and Birkenstocks, and messing our hair up, just to look like we didn’t try.
FACT: A website, not related to Starbucks but clearly devoted to it, has actually put out a 22-page how-to guide for ordering at the franchised locations.
I refer to this as coffee porn, the kind of reading done alone, behind closed doors, for people who want to walk into a Starbucks, heads held high, and place an order like they belong there. Seriously, get a life and accept that you are sad and you are pathetic. Even more pathetic is that if you google how to order at Starbucks you will get about 2,100,000 hits, including, but not limited to ordering with confidence, how to look like you belong, and my personal favorite, how not to look like a novice in the presence of great coffee drinkers. (You just googled it for yourself, didn’t you?).
No other place on the planet does one need to go into such detail about a beverage. No place else will I stand on an abusively long line just for the privilege of being completely overcharged for something that the street vendor just outside of Starbucks can sell me for a buck. No place else will I have to tell someone called a Barista, which incidentally factually means a person working behind a bar in Italian, but has morphed into a glorified coffee server, that I want to order any of the following:
· Venti Vanilla Bean Frappuccino Blended Crème or a
· Triple grande sugar free vanilla latte or a
· Double shot tall skinny extra-dry cappuccino or an
· Iced Quad Venti Sugar-Free Vanilla Nonfat w/ Whip Caramel Macchiato.
In case you are wondering, these really are drink combinations you can order at Starbucks.
Ridiculous!
When I go into Dunkin’ Donuts, I say: Could I please have a medium coffee, light with half-and-half and three Splenda? And guess what I get? A medium coffee, light with half-and-half and three Splenda. Amazing, isn’t it?
Let’s revisit this mentality again. If I want coffee, I go to Dunkin’ Donuts and order it. If I need the experience of coffee, like an amusement park ride, I go to Starbucks. Then, I taste my Starbucks beverage, recoil - my tongue feeling mildly insulted - and remember why I hated it to begin with. Then I usually dump out my overpriced beverage because, let’s be honest, who can drink it?
The very few times that I have inadvertently wandered into a Starbucks for coffee, I maintain a sense of bewilderment for the duration. Unless I have brought my own reading material, I find I am exposed to forced distractions of overpriced items, such as artsy CDs from musicians who are just so above that whole fame and money thing, small Godiva gifts, or stuffed animals. There is a sense of urgency that overtakes me as I try to decide my plan of action for ordering. I listen as the people before me place their expertly stated orders and I rehearse in my head what I will say, so that I too sound like I belong there. When it is my turn, the overworked barista is usually impatient with newcomers. He or she is so used to working at lightening speed that this reprieve is utterly unwelcome and quite stressful to the lad or lady. I place my order haphazardly and am ushered to the side to wait for it to be done. Each cup is a masterpiece and, as such, takes time to create. Again, I think: It’s coffee! It is not that serious!
To avoid that perpetual feeling of inadequacy that I get at Starbucks, I avoid going there altogether. Yet as I am exiting the place, feeling slightly poor and looking sadly at my decaf, grande crème, wondering why I fussed over it to begin with, I still feel a bit of pride at my meager accomplishment. I ordered it and apparently, got it right.
As I head to the exit, to my left and my right, I am passing the brooding writers, banging fiercely away at their laptops, the young lovers, curled in a cozy leather armchair cradling their beverages with both hands, the artists, sketching in their pads, stopping for long periods to find inspiration is their surroundings and the professors in tweed, with the Times spread out in front of them, a look of consternation for the current state of things on their faces. On every table, by every one of these people, stands a cup of Starbucks in varying sizes with any number of surprising elements inside. Some even have coffee in them!
Now I look up to see Melissa and Robert still compellingly taking orders from folks in the office, writing on Post-it notes in a kind of Starbucks shorthand, what each person wants. Steve wants a VSCL (Venti Soy Chai Latte) and Ray needs a tall SD-SVLW short for a tall skim double-shot vanilla latte with whip and Lisa asks for an EDSM – her Espresso Double with Skim Milk, Evan bringing up the rear with his SCVW, a.k.a. a Short Cinnamon and Vanilla with Whip.
Off they go. Melissa and Robert, clutching the Post-its with their mixed alphabet of orders, head to Union Square. It takes two of them so that they can carry back the Fair Trade goods in earth-friendly cup holders, recycled paper cups and wooden stirrers made of 97% post-consumer waste product. Starbucks – friend to the environment - how very green of them. Never mind that they only went this route – “an effort to green up operations” as a way to re-invent themselves following a downturn in recent sales. Never mind that, in tough economic times, even the mighty fall.
They are gone for a while and I imagine them standing in a line similar to the snaking one I encounter each morning when I exit the subway and head to work. Each day, like addicts by the crack den, the lines form straight through the Starbucks, spilling out onto the sidewalk. Patiently, though you can always catch some impatient foot tapping, some loud sighing, and some eye squinting taking peaks up to the front to see how things are progressing, they wait. They are there to feed their need. I pass by the crowd in the same manner as I would if I was passing a line of people at MSG waiting to buy tickets to the latest and greatest play or concert. Basically, I disregard them, still shaking my head in disbelief.
When they come back, they’re both flushed with laughter and excitement. They’re precariously balancing too many drinks per person. The trays are a who’s who of Starbucks customer favorites, the domed, clear lids giving hints of the whipped, stirred and poured delicacies. They place down the holders and the give-out begins. Not unlike the Starbucks up the block, but on a much smaller scale, they stand waiting for their hit. Money is exchanged, Melissa producing receipts and calling out names and amounts. I can see all of it going down in front of me and I keep myself from laughing because, to me, it is nothing more than a comedy of the asinine.
The group of coffee snobs disperses, each returning to a cubicle, holding the beverage like a prize at a country fair. For the next 15 to 20 minutes there will be idle chatter across the room among them. They discuss Starbucks locations by where they live and how things are run there – the ambiance, the atmosphere, and the environment. They discuss plans for the weekend, as July 4th is fast approaching. They discuss funny little anecdotes and experiences had at a Starbucks in the past. Ha, ha, ha! They discuss the virtues of Starbucks over Dunkin’ Donuts heatedly defending one over the other. I remain on the sidelines – observing - because soon I will be ardently banging away on a computer doing the very same thing: Discussing the virtues of Dunkin’ Donuts over Starbucks, in the same fiercely passionate way that they just did.
Snob!
It’s just a few minutes after 3 p.m. Tuesday afternoon and I have come to expect this announcement almost daily from one of several people in the department. In fact, I gauge the time by it so much so that I don’t even need to look at my watch on our about three o’clock. Personally, I am not a fan of Starbucks coffee in the least, so I disregard the coffee mating call, or politely decline.
It is the responsibility of Robert and Melissa today to make the all-important trek to the Starbucks on Union Square. Never mind that the company provides free Starbucks brand coffee in the coffee makers all throughout our building for free. Never mind that if they needed the so called Starbucks fix, they could just as easily walk over to the kitchen on their respective floors and pour themselves a cup of it free-for-nothing. Never mind that the fully stocked refrigerators have every choice and percentage of milk known to man, plus the necessary sweetening agents and now and again some flavored coffee mixes there for the taking. It really does not matter because, in the end, it is more about the Starbucks culture and lifestyle than it is about the product itself.
DISCLAIMER: For all who love Starbucks for the actual product, this is not about you!
As I mentioned, I am not a fan of this particular brand of coffee. Thankfully, neither is Joe! We’re Dunkin’ Donuts people ourselves. We prefer the smooth, less bitter tasting DD beverage to the angry, harsh Starbucks one. Plus, we have this thing about having to adopt another tongue just to place an order. And we don’t feel the need to plan our coffee outing ahead by dressing down in our faded jeans, wrinkled shirts and Birkenstocks, and messing our hair up, just to look like we didn’t try.
FACT: A website, not related to Starbucks but clearly devoted to it, has actually put out a 22-page how-to guide for ordering at the franchised locations.
I refer to this as coffee porn, the kind of reading done alone, behind closed doors, for people who want to walk into a Starbucks, heads held high, and place an order like they belong there. Seriously, get a life and accept that you are sad and you are pathetic. Even more pathetic is that if you google how to order at Starbucks you will get about 2,100,000 hits, including, but not limited to ordering with confidence, how to look like you belong, and my personal favorite, how not to look like a novice in the presence of great coffee drinkers. (You just googled it for yourself, didn’t you?).
No other place on the planet does one need to go into such detail about a beverage. No place else will I stand on an abusively long line just for the privilege of being completely overcharged for something that the street vendor just outside of Starbucks can sell me for a buck. No place else will I have to tell someone called a Barista, which incidentally factually means a person working behind a bar in Italian, but has morphed into a glorified coffee server, that I want to order any of the following:
· Venti Vanilla Bean Frappuccino Blended Crème or a
· Triple grande sugar free vanilla latte or a
· Double shot tall skinny extra-dry cappuccino or an
· Iced Quad Venti Sugar-Free Vanilla Nonfat w/ Whip Caramel Macchiato.
In case you are wondering, these really are drink combinations you can order at Starbucks.
Ridiculous!
When I go into Dunkin’ Donuts, I say: Could I please have a medium coffee, light with half-and-half and three Splenda? And guess what I get? A medium coffee, light with half-and-half and three Splenda. Amazing, isn’t it?
Let’s revisit this mentality again. If I want coffee, I go to Dunkin’ Donuts and order it. If I need the experience of coffee, like an amusement park ride, I go to Starbucks. Then, I taste my Starbucks beverage, recoil - my tongue feeling mildly insulted - and remember why I hated it to begin with. Then I usually dump out my overpriced beverage because, let’s be honest, who can drink it?
The very few times that I have inadvertently wandered into a Starbucks for coffee, I maintain a sense of bewilderment for the duration. Unless I have brought my own reading material, I find I am exposed to forced distractions of overpriced items, such as artsy CDs from musicians who are just so above that whole fame and money thing, small Godiva gifts, or stuffed animals. There is a sense of urgency that overtakes me as I try to decide my plan of action for ordering. I listen as the people before me place their expertly stated orders and I rehearse in my head what I will say, so that I too sound like I belong there. When it is my turn, the overworked barista is usually impatient with newcomers. He or she is so used to working at lightening speed that this reprieve is utterly unwelcome and quite stressful to the lad or lady. I place my order haphazardly and am ushered to the side to wait for it to be done. Each cup is a masterpiece and, as such, takes time to create. Again, I think: It’s coffee! It is not that serious!
To avoid that perpetual feeling of inadequacy that I get at Starbucks, I avoid going there altogether. Yet as I am exiting the place, feeling slightly poor and looking sadly at my decaf, grande crème, wondering why I fussed over it to begin with, I still feel a bit of pride at my meager accomplishment. I ordered it and apparently, got it right.
As I head to the exit, to my left and my right, I am passing the brooding writers, banging fiercely away at their laptops, the young lovers, curled in a cozy leather armchair cradling their beverages with both hands, the artists, sketching in their pads, stopping for long periods to find inspiration is their surroundings and the professors in tweed, with the Times spread out in front of them, a look of consternation for the current state of things on their faces. On every table, by every one of these people, stands a cup of Starbucks in varying sizes with any number of surprising elements inside. Some even have coffee in them!
Now I look up to see Melissa and Robert still compellingly taking orders from folks in the office, writing on Post-it notes in a kind of Starbucks shorthand, what each person wants. Steve wants a VSCL (Venti Soy Chai Latte) and Ray needs a tall SD-SVLW short for a tall skim double-shot vanilla latte with whip and Lisa asks for an EDSM – her Espresso Double with Skim Milk, Evan bringing up the rear with his SCVW, a.k.a. a Short Cinnamon and Vanilla with Whip.
Off they go. Melissa and Robert, clutching the Post-its with their mixed alphabet of orders, head to Union Square. It takes two of them so that they can carry back the Fair Trade goods in earth-friendly cup holders, recycled paper cups and wooden stirrers made of 97% post-consumer waste product. Starbucks – friend to the environment - how very green of them. Never mind that they only went this route – “an effort to green up operations” as a way to re-invent themselves following a downturn in recent sales. Never mind that, in tough economic times, even the mighty fall.
They are gone for a while and I imagine them standing in a line similar to the snaking one I encounter each morning when I exit the subway and head to work. Each day, like addicts by the crack den, the lines form straight through the Starbucks, spilling out onto the sidewalk. Patiently, though you can always catch some impatient foot tapping, some loud sighing, and some eye squinting taking peaks up to the front to see how things are progressing, they wait. They are there to feed their need. I pass by the crowd in the same manner as I would if I was passing a line of people at MSG waiting to buy tickets to the latest and greatest play or concert. Basically, I disregard them, still shaking my head in disbelief.
When they come back, they’re both flushed with laughter and excitement. They’re precariously balancing too many drinks per person. The trays are a who’s who of Starbucks customer favorites, the domed, clear lids giving hints of the whipped, stirred and poured delicacies. They place down the holders and the give-out begins. Not unlike the Starbucks up the block, but on a much smaller scale, they stand waiting for their hit. Money is exchanged, Melissa producing receipts and calling out names and amounts. I can see all of it going down in front of me and I keep myself from laughing because, to me, it is nothing more than a comedy of the asinine.
The group of coffee snobs disperses, each returning to a cubicle, holding the beverage like a prize at a country fair. For the next 15 to 20 minutes there will be idle chatter across the room among them. They discuss Starbucks locations by where they live and how things are run there – the ambiance, the atmosphere, and the environment. They discuss plans for the weekend, as July 4th is fast approaching. They discuss funny little anecdotes and experiences had at a Starbucks in the past. Ha, ha, ha! They discuss the virtues of Starbucks over Dunkin’ Donuts heatedly defending one over the other. I remain on the sidelines – observing - because soon I will be ardently banging away on a computer doing the very same thing: Discussing the virtues of Dunkin’ Donuts over Starbucks, in the same fiercely passionate way that they just did.
Snob!
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