Canine - A Dog's Tale

It's all simple, really. I wake each day and stretch the old muscles and shake out of the slumber from the night before and make my way to the kitchen for a bit of water. It's pretty smart to start the day off with a nice drink of water. Gets all the kinks out and sets you up for the day ahead.

I burp and remember last night's dinner with a satisfied grin. I sniff around the kitchen for any possible droppings from dinner, but I come up empty. There is such a thing as too clean!!

I walk back to my place and look down. My bed's a bit worse for wear, but it's dented in all the right places and I get a good night's sleep out of it. It should probably be replaced, all mattresses should when you're getting up there in years, or when your back's starting to give you trouble. My back is fine and I am still trying to ignore the age thing. Hey, we all do that! Plus, I look damn good for my age, and no I won’t tell you what it is!

Now all I've got to do is wait for them. I am in the mood for a good, long morning jog. I want the fresh air in my lungs and I want to feel the pain in my muscles from the exercise! I sure hope there will be time for me today! A run, just a quick run. That's all I'm asking for here. Let's toss around a ball or just run up a hill. Not much to ask, at least I don't think it is. I wonder if I am on their to-do list today!

Bob and Sue stir in their bedroom and I tiptoe by their door hoping for a chance to say hello. I try to remain out of sight in the early dawn hours, hoping not to disturb them if they're trying to sleep in. Although I have to admit, the excitement of a new day is hard for me to contain.

Ho-hum. I jump up on the sofa, then jump down then back up and then off all together. This isn’t really fun, unless someone is there to yell at you to get off. Bob and Sue do take their time in the morning, especially on weekends, so I try to make myself scarce until they need me, or until I can't wait another minute. Then I'm going to holler and they're going to have to hear me. But I'm a good guy and I won't do that unless it is absolutely necessary. Maybe if I wait long enough I'll get a pat or two to show me they appreciate my thoughtfulness.

Makes me smile, the way Bob stumbles out, shuffling along the wall, using it to hold himself upright, until he makes it to the john and relieves his overnight bladder. I nod my head. Been there, buddy! I make my way to the bathroom door and plop down in front. I plan on waiting until he flushes the toilet, opens the door and tries to run back into the room before the full effect of sleep wears off. My plan is to trip him...just a little...so he knows he's got other responsibilities.

I'll hear him turn on the faucet and my leg will shake from the sheer need. Sue pops up in bed next. It's like her inner alarm clock is set to Water. She hears the faucet and boom; she is sitting upright in their bed. Hmm, maybe I should head back there and stare at her while she sleeps. She likes that, I think.

If they forget to shut the door the night before, I will usually sneak in onto Bob's side and stare at him for a while until my presence will wake him. His eyes will open and he'll look terrified, as if he doesn't see me every single day. He is funny like that! If staring doesn't work fast enough, I'll casually drop my jaw, let my tongue hang out of it, and let my morning breath do the trick. That sometimes backfires, though. Bob will get an unexpected whiff from a deep breath and jump up scared shitless. Then he'll start yelling at me, though not in a mean way. I can tell the difference.

Usually, Bob will call out some guy I've never met, then start telling me what for. "Jesus H. Christ! Scrambler! You could kill someone with that breath. Get the hell outta here!"

I'll pretend like I don't know he's pissed and leap over to lick him. It's like a game we play. He'll push my head aside and I'll pretend to be all offended. Then I will make my way over to Sue's side and jump on her. She'll mumble my name, or what sounds like my name: "Scramby, Scramby..." Still half asleep, she'll swing an arm behind her and slap Bob on the head. Bob will tell her to "fuck off, Baby", whatever that means and then Sue will get up and yell at the both of us and run down the hallway to the bathroom. It's hilarious! This whole routine we have just cracks me up.

Bob and Sue are really good people. That’s why I won’t ever try to run away, or like some other people better. They won my heart and that’s more valuable than all the treats in the world. Oh, so you’re going to hold that ONE time I slipped out of the backyard against me. Everyone wants to test the limits, but they should have known I was coming back. They didn’t have to get all nuts with the papers with my picture all over the town! Wasn’t even my best shot, either!

Once they're both really up and out of their bedroom, Bob will go to the basement to get my leash. And like every day he'll complain to Sue about the icy cold floor and she'll tell him he has slippers, he just chooses not to use them. That will be that. It's always Sue who speaks last and then Bob goes about his business. I don't know why Bob complains about the floor. I am on these tiles every day and you don't hear me complaining about how cold they are. Punk! Once I'm carefully secured by my collar, Bob shoves his cold-lady feet into the old sneakers he keeps by the back door and we're out. I can tell by the way he drags behind me that my early-morning hope for a quick uphill sprint is now crushed. Oh well, maybe next time. There's always a next time, so I don't sweat the small stuff. I do my business as quickly as possible, so I don't annoy Bob much and then we head back home.

Next is getting me some breakfast. I wait patiently as I hear the dry bits hit the dish and my tail will wag and I won't be able to help it and I will jump up and put my paws on the edge of the shelf expectantly. "Scrambler...down. Down, boy!" Bob will tell me, but I'll now pretend to go deaf because that is what I am supposed to do to show the urgency of my need for what's in that dish. I’ll start to pant with joy and Bob will call me obnoxious, which I think means I am great.

When they're both up and arguing, I'll get on my back and shift left and right fiercely so I can get to that itch right in the center. Bob will get all mushy and come scratch my belly, which of course I pretend to dislike, but am really a sucker for. Then I'll run over to Sue again and give her the Puss-in-Boots eyes, only I'm no pussy...cat! She's a sucker for that wide-eyed look and in another few minutes, she'll be heading to the pantry for a treat. Yeah, that's right! I got it all under control here.

This is a great arrangement, I tell ya! I have a bed to sleep in, food in my belly, days spent in front of the tube and not a care in the world...except that aging thing. And even though those two crazy kids have to leave our home each day for hours and hours, which seem like weeks and weeks to me because I don't have my own watch, I still love 'em.

The thing about me is that I value time because I know life is short - 10 or 70 years depending on whose time card you’re counting on. I know that it's just better to let things slide off your back, than to spend years stewing over what could have, or should have been. I know that chasing a ball or a Frisbee as if your life depended on it, doesn't make you stupid, it just makes you full of zest and vigor. I know that if you get food on your face, you can always just lick it off - it's food, for crying out loud! I know that to love blindly and give of yourself selflessly is more a gift to you than to those to whom you're giving to. I know that to be loyal to those who show you love is to be the kind of guy worthy of a life worth admiring. I know that when it's time for me to go meet my maker, I can go with a huge, silly, smile and bright, wide eyes because I'll have great tales to tell and great memories to share.

For Pete's sake, I'm a dog - a truly happy, totally furry, silly, crazy bag of bones. I defy you to dislike me. Go ahead, try it!